22 Crappy Mountain Bikes I Didn't Have Time To Photograph Thoroughly - Part 1

What do I do when I need to take pictures of a pile of department-store mountain bikes in a hurry, at night? Prop them up in my front yard, turn on my high beams, put the camera on a tripod, and hope for the best. I couldn't fit all the photos into one post, so don't miss part 2 and part 3, coming soon.

Mongoose Bedlam | Schwinn Falcon HD | Schwinn Falcon | Motiv Stonegrinder
Huffy Dynamo | Murray React | Huffy Thunder Ridge | Mongoose MGX DXR



All of these parts won't fit all of these bikes, so go to Amazon and click around 'til you find the right stuff.
Always check compatibility before ordering parts for your bicycle.
All bike repairs should be performed by a qualified bicycle mechanic.

Mongoose Bedlam

mongoose bedlam mountain bike - red and black
I am tempted to not mow my lawn at all this year

If "bedlam" means "box-stock dual-suspension Walmart deluxe shitbox" then the Mongoose Bedlam mountain bike fills the bill. It has aluminum tubing, a shock in the middle, some gears, some wheels, and yada yada yada, all wrapped with a red-and-black paint scheme and bold white graphics. Okay.

mongoose bedlam mountain bike - red and black
Seriously, who do I look like, Hank Hill?

Schwinn Falcon HD

schwinn falcon hd bmx bike - red
Maybe I'll grow the grass into hay

I can only assume that the "HD" in the Schwinn Falcon HD BMX bike means that it's a "heavy duty" bike. That, or the reflective silver graphics are "high definition". Whatever. I like the square chainstays and seatstays. I don't like how the brake levers point to the moon. It was cloudy when I shot these photos, and there was no moon. I am not a werewolf.

schwinn falcon hd bmx bike - red
Hay is for horses
schwinn falcon hd bmx bike - red
Better for cows

Schwinn Falcon

schwinn falcon bmx bike - red
Pigs don't eat it

If the Schwinn Falcon HD is "HD", whatever that means, then the Schwinn Falcon BMX bike must be just "regular". I wonder if the Falcon feels inferior to the Falcon HD. It doesn't look inferior, with its sloped top tube and curvy handlebars and white fork and hinged stem and red wheels with a bunch of spokes all in one spot, and then no spokes for a while, and then another bunch of spokes, and tribal graphics on the chainguard, and big knobby tires. In fact, HD or not, I like it better.

schwinn falcon bmx bike - red
because they don't know how

Motiv Stonegrinder (or "How Not to Build a Single-Speed Mountain Bike")

motiv stonegrinder mountain bike - single speed - black and fuchsia
I like the dandelions too

How to build a single-speed mountain bike:

1. Get yourself a Motiv Stonegrinder in black and fuchsia
2. Strip off all of the derailleurs, shifters, cables 'n' stuff
3. Install some purple side-pull brakes from a little girl's Schwinn
4. Find a comfortable gear ratio and shorten the chain to fit
5. Tighten the axle nuts with an adjustable wrench until they're round
6. Take off one grip.

It sure beats buying a bunch of expensive parts and a chain tensioner. The Motiv Stonegrinder was fun to ride, mainly because it was such a sketchy deathtrap, but the front wheel was held onto the fork with only one axle nut so I quit while I was ahead.

motiv stonegrinder mountain bike - single speed - black and fuchsia
You can wish on a dandelion
motiv stonegrinder mountain bike - single speed - black and fuchsia
Maybe I'll wish for a robot to mow my lawn
motiv stonegrinder mountain bike - single speed - black and fuchsia
Or a Terminator

Huffy Dynamo

huffy dynamo mountain bike - orange
He could cut the grass...

From fifty feet away, the Huffy Dynamo's amazing metallic orange paint made me say "what's that?!?" Then I got up close and said "oh...it's a shitty Huffy." What a tease. Unfortunately, despite its good looks, fantastic color and hypnotically reflective decals, the Dynamo is nothing more than a bottom-of-the-barrel, all-steel department-store mountain bike. I desperately wanted this bike to be viable for riding or some sort of "build" but it just wasn't. Sigh.

huffy dynamo mountain bike - orange
trim the hedges...
huffy dynamo mountain bike - orange
rake the leaves...
huffy dynamo mountain bike - orange
And protect me from other Terminators.

Murray React

murray react mountain bike - blue
Or at least he could keep the neighborhood kids

The Murray React is a "touring mountain bike". No doubt. With its 24-inch wheels with knobby tires for minimal rolling resistance, a Vortex front suspension fork to soak up potholes, a heavy steel frame for long-distance stability, and ample braze-ons for pannier racks, it's obviously the perfect touring bike. So don't waste your money on a Rivendell for your next 3000-mile cross-country cycling jaunt. Head to the display rack in the back of Kmart and buy a Murray instead.

murray react mountain bike - blue
out of my backyard.
murray react mountain bike - blue
I have a lot of dandelions

Huffy Thunder Ridge

huffy thunder ridge mountain bike - black
And if I wish on all of them

A white-on-black splatter paint job, fluorescent green brake cables, American flag headtube decal and aerodynamic front sprocket cover add up to one cool-looking Huffy Thunder Ridge ATB mountain bike. Unfortunately, just like the Huffy Dynamo above, the Thunder Ridge's looks are deceiving. It's really just a cheap, heavy department-store clunker. Why can't Huffy make visually appealing bikes out of triple-butted chromoly with top-of-the-line components? I'd buy one.

huffy thunder ridge mountain bike - black
I can have a huge Terminator army
huffy thunder ridge mountain bike - black
for all of my landscaping needs.
huffy thunder ridge mountain bike - black
Then I can teach one of the Terminators
huffy thunder ridge mountain bike - black
to shoot photographs of bikes

Mongoose MGX DXR

mongoose mgx dxr mountain bike - blue
And another one to write dumb stuff about them

So what happens is that Mongoose designs bikes like the Mongoose MGX DXR mountain bike for 12-year-old kids. "'Tweens", they're called. Mom and dad go to Walmart in December, buy an MGX DXR, and put it under the Christmas tree. The family 'tween gets all giddy and rides it for a year or two. The bike, not the tree. Eventually the 'tween turns into a teen and has a growth spurt, and the Mongoose's 24-inch wheels are no match for junior's new long legs. Then a guy like me comes along, and the next thing you know, some short Mexican dude is riding his new-to-him full-suspension Mongoose rattletrap to work, and he loves it. It's the [bi]cycle of life.

mongoose mgx dxr mountain bike - blue
So that they can work on this website
mongoose mgx dxr mountain bike - blue
While I ride my new Huffy.